Historier om Microsoft og Bill Gates

  • Dataguruenes nye leketøy
  • The Top ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars.
  • MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES BETA RELEASE OF WINDOWS TP
  • Den siste mannen på jorden uten Win95

    Dataguruenes nye leketøy

    Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (MicroSoft, Intel and AMD) are in a high-powered business meeting. During the tense negotiations, a faint beeping noise is suddenly heard from over where Bill is sitting.

    "Whoops!" exclaims Bill "that must be my emergency beeper. Please excuse me for a moment, guys, I really need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing the call, he notices the others are staring at him quizzically.

    "Oh gee, sorry," Bill explains, "this is a new emergency communication system I had worked up by some guys down at the office. I had an earpiece built into my watch and a little microphone clips onto the end of my tie so I can a take a call anywhere." The others are suitably impressed and return to their discussion.

    A few minutes later they're interrupted again, but now it's Andy who's beeping. "Oh," he says "that's _my_ emergency beeper. Gee, this must be a really important call for my secretary to beep me in here." At which Andy taps his right earlobe twice and begins talking into thin air.

    When he completes his call, he notices the others are staring at _him_ as if he's a nutcase. "Hey," he grins "Bill's not the only one around here with technology on him: I have an emergency communication system too, but I had the earpiece implanted in my earlobe and a tiny microphone embedded in this capped tooth." He points to one of his front teeth. "Pretty nifty, huh?"

    The others agree that this _is_ pretty cool and, once they find out who Andy's dentist is, the meeting resumes. Moments later, their talking is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks around at the others glaring at him and says, a bit uncomfortably, "Um...can somebody hand me a sheet of paper? I'm receiving a fax."

    The Top ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars.

    1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year,instead of before.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.

    4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.

    5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.

    6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.

    7. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

    8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

    9. We would still be waiting on the "6000 sux 58'" model to come out.

    10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).

    11. Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur.

    12. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.

    13. New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.

    14. Ford, General Motors and Chrysler would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting a CD in all its models.

    MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES BETA RELEASE OF WINDOWS TP

    REDMOND, WA (MAR. 31) BUSINESS WIRE - Microsoft Corp. announced Thursday that a beta release of Windows TP, the telepathic operating system, was released to 1,500 test sites worldwide. Developed using the soon-to-be released Microsoft C for Neurons, Windows TP bypasses awkward user interfaces by interacting directly with the user's brain. Using the Microsoft MindMouse, users can visualize images in their mind, and the application associated with that image (or "thought icon") is executed. Users can visualize pictures to create Windows Bitmap images, or think text directly into Windows applications. Windows TP is fully compatible with all previous versions of Windows. Data stored under Windows TP can be copied into the user's short- term memory (the Windows TP Clipboard), or transferred directly into the user's long-term memory using Windows' new 32-bit Direct Neuron Access technology. Users can then plug into other Windows TP systems to transfer the data. Microsoft also announced the first application developed exclusively for Windows TP. CyberMail is a mental mail system designed to transfer messages by thought. Users visualize the person or company logo they want to send a message to, followed by the message to send. Microsoft has had a beta version of the application in use for several months. Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ:MSFT) is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers. The company offers a wide range of products and services for business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing every day. CONTACT: Microsoft Corporation Liz Wagthor, 206/555-8080 (CyberMail address: A short, dumpy lady, with shiny red hair, and a really gross mole growing on the right side of her lip. A blue tattoo on her right arm says, "Billy G's the Man for Me.")

    TESTERS REPORT PROBLEMS WITH WINDOWS TP BETA

    NEW YORK, Apr 1, Reuter - Microsoft's new indows TP has a long way to go before final release, say beta testers of the product. Testers report numerous problems with the thought icons included with the product. "I can see a fish tail representing some useful things, but the Program Manager? It's just not intuitive," says Clyde Revlon, an MIS specialist with McBalmy, Crain, and Larch. "Whoever came up with these thought icons needs therapy. I'm sure the guy's Yorkshire terrier is wonderful, but as the File Manager? A golden retriever I could understand. And that sweater the terrier is wearing, it's just too loud. Let me control the sweater." Testers also report dangerous corruption problems with the Direct Neuron Access technology. "Colors, I smell colors. Dog, good dog, go to the light mom," said Maggie Ferreaux, a consultant with Sharp, Trenchant, and Blunt Computer Services. Other testers were less understanding. "I'm working on a presentation, and suddenly all I can think about is pages A through C of the Miami telephone directory. It took me three hours to get it out of my mind. That blows my productivity right out of the water," says Max Pirenich, a salesman for Carp Technology. "Just thinking about Excel scares the Carp out of me." Microsoft officials acknowledged the issues, citing that no beta release of a product is perfect, and vowed to provide testers with the services of the same Neurologist that helped Microsoft Quality Assurance recover from testing the product in its early stages. Many Microsoft QA engineers are expected to lead long, productive lives.

    MICROSOFT DENIES LINK TO LOSS OF PROGRAMMERS

    While acknowledging that such a typographical error would have undefined results at run time, and that error trapping in the compiler was not totally comprehensive, a Microsoft spokesperson denied that the recent demise of several Beta testers was linked to a typo they may have made while using the EXECUTE_PROGRAM_IMMEDIATE API using Neural C. Such a typo has been linked in persistent rumors surrounding the as yet unreleased product Windows TP. It is reported to have occurred when programmers using the EXECUTE_PROGRAM_IMMEDIATE API inadvertently typed EXECUTE_PROGRAMMER_IMMEDIATE. Internal sources who wished to remain unnamed commented, "This is BETA software after all and bugs are to be expected," "We can't trap every error a user may make," and "Any one who uses undocumented calls is on their own!" Microsoft did say that it was unlikely that this problem would be addressed before release 2.0. "So far, we have not received a single bug report from a Beta tester experiencing this problem, so we do not see this as a critical market issue."

    Den siste mannen på jorden uten Win95

    There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.
    "Not you again," I said.
    "Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."
    Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.
    "No," I said.
    "You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask." "Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."
    "Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."
    "You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."
    The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.
    "Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"
    "Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."
    "People without computers?"
    "Got 'em."
    "Amazonian Indians?"
    "We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."
    "The Amish."
    "Check."
    "Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"
    "We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."
    "So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"
    "If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."
    "No."
    "Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.
    "No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."
    "It did."
    "Pardon?"
    "World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."
    "So what happened?"
    "Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."
    "Go away," I said.
    "I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."
    "You have got to be kidding," I said.
    "Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to BILL."
    "Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.
    "He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash."
    "He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident."
    "Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"
    "Terrible. There's an active volcano there."
    "It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.
    "Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"
    The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.
    "'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?"
    "There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.
    I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.

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    Copyright © 1995 Linette Vik